Tuesday, October 1, 2013
I finally got back on my mat yesterday and I'll be honest, it took until today to really feel like I was comfortable on it again. But I think that had a lot to do with the video that I chose to start out with yesterday. As a speaker and yoga enthusiast Sean Corn is great, but her Vinyasa Flow Yoga Breath and Movement dvd is not easy to connect to. The first disc is very slow and she talks excessively. The second disc she doesn't speak at all, not even to give verbal cues for the next posture. I find that rather ridiculous. So today I pulled back out my Beginner's Ashtanga with Nikki Doane and that did the trick. For an hour I got to pray, breathe, and sweat...It was beautiful and I am grateful. I have another run tomorrow to pair up with my yoga session. So off to bed I go to survive 3 miles.
Peace & Namaste Ya'll
Saturday, September 28, 2013
I survived!!! I officially finished my Jillian Michael's series yesterday and I have not felt so relieved since I moved this Summer Ha!! I'm just taking a 3 week break from her to shake things up in my routine before I hit a plateau. Ashtanga and Vinyasa Flow yoga will be a nice change for my running routine. I could definitely use some time on my mat and my flexibility has been lacking over the last 12 weeks. Jillian isn't exactly all that keen on extensive stretching in her cool downs. I'm ready for my body to ache in a different way.
I was supposed to take part in a 5k tomorrow, but I guess those plans have changed. I'm not really all that sure yet. I won't find out for sure until tomorrow. I guess I will let ya'll know what happens. I don't think I ever imagined my life would be where it is right at this every moment, but it could definitely be worse. And I am so grateful that it is not worse. The perks of being a "Sunny Side-up" type of person is that it takes a lot to bring you down and when you are brought down it takes twice as much to keep you down. Which just reinforces that I made the right choice to leave my old life behind me. That life I somehow managed to get myself stuck in was killing my spirit and it was all I could do to keep from being lost completely.
This life that I am rebuilding just for me as such endless possibilities that I have to remind myself occasionally to take one step at a time and do exactly what makes me happy. No fear. No second guessing. No answering to anyone else about how it can be done, how it will make me enough money, how it will fit into anyone else's plans for life. Don't rush it. Don't question it. Don't do it if it doesn't make you happy. Most of all don't forget to breathe. Breathe deeply. Breathe slowly. Breathe deliberately. Breathe to remind yourself that you are still alive. Breathe to center and breathe to focus. I thank my Creator for bringing me to yoga. Yoga has helped me in being able to hear better. To understand better. To react better. To be more grateful.
What has yoga helped you with?
Peace & Namaste Ya'll
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Last night was a bit rough, for some reason I had a stomachache. Maybe because I disrupted my current eating patterns. The progressively cooler weather is changing my desires so I'm going to need to come up with a Fall and Winter eating plan quick fast and in a hurry. (plus any other synonyms you can think of for Now) Today was no different actually, I ate differently than I have been with my shake in the middle of the day for lunch instead of at the beginning and end. I've decided that the beginning and the end need to remain in place until I am out of mix. Which honestly will only be about another 4 or 5 days. After that I have to just keep things in check, I'm just terrified that I will somehow mess up all of the good work I've done these last two weeks. I'm determined to keeping moving forward in this just like with the rest of my life. No looking back and no falling back into detrimental habits. I have plenty to look forward to in just the near coming months alone and that is keeping me motivated.
Breakfast I was chilly outside and an ice cold shake was not going to cut it.
|Homemade Sweet Potato Bread with turkey bacon and Orange juice|
I was so hungry I nearly forgot to take the picture.
|I did forget to take my picture this time until after I finished eating|
Chicken wings, and about a cup of Shrimp Fried Rice
|Tomato, Sausage, and Spinach Fritatta (fancy word for baked omelette)|
Homemade Sweet Potato Bread and Unsweetened Applesauce
|Lunch Dutch Chocolate Achieve by Zrii and 32 ounces of water to wash it down|
|Air-Popped Popcorn (yes my weakness in snack choices)|
Monday, September 23, 2013
I'm slightly at a loss for what to leave you with today. I'm missing elements of my old life but not nearly enough to subject myself to the toxicity of my former surroundings. So I'll just be sure to keep in touch with the loved ones that I actually miss and take some time this week to prepare the foods that remind me of home. I'll be sure to take plenty of photos on those days.
Day 149 had a bit more food than planned but again not bad. I've been making some noticeable progress and I'm determined not to mess that up. I'm finally beginning to actually look different, not just live different. I've been waiting for my body to catch up with the rest of me for months now. Now I just need this to snowball and get my outside to match my insides. I know I sound impatient, I'm trying not to be, but occasionally I find myself there so I just breathe and keep moving forward.
|More Dutch Chocolate Achieve by Zrii and literally a gallon of water for the day|
|I split this plate with my daughter, she ate most of the cheese and all of the tomatoes LOL|
Tuna salad and cucumbers Mmmm mmmm
|So this wasn't actually my plate of spaghetti, I forgot to take a pic of mine, but this was about how much I had.|
Saturday, September 21, 2013
As of today I realize just how excited I am about finishing my current exercise routine and taking on the challenge of pouring myself over my mat again. Of course I touch it to some extent fairly often, but not nearly to the extent that I was earlier this year. Making big changes has a tendency to disrupt habits of all kinds. But I only have one more week left of Jillian Michaels before yoga intensives become my focus again. Yoga is more than a great stretch or a good workout for me. It's a way to calm my mind and open my heart enough to hear the responses that my Creator has to the prayers I send up so regularly. Without it I struggle to hear or see what is meant for me sometimes. With it I float through life secure and at peace.
Okay, so clearly I was a bit contemplative today but I didn't over think my meals. They were simple and slightly odd. But nothing was overdone.
Breakfast and dinner the same today:
|Dutch Chocolate Achieve by Zrii and 4 - 32 ounce containers of water|
|Sauteed Cabbage with Cornbread|
I also had a small Granny Smith Apple and 2 sticks of String Cheese
(I know kind of random, but it's what I had)
|Reunited with my favorite snack Air-Popped Popcorn|
So yesterday I did some investigating into my future....Have you ever gotten the feeling that the "normal" route into something just might not be meant for you? Oh well, I'll try anyway and if it's what The Creator has in store for me then it will happen. If not, then there are always alternate routes. The front door isn't the only way to access the home.
I do know that I need a new camera and a way to make some money. But then again, it seems that is what most of us want these days (including the new camera) LOL. But I am fighting the urge to over think anything and just continue to listen. Because I was out and about all day yesterday I failed to collect pictures of any meals. But I do have the photos from Thursday. Nothing special, and still working through my bag of Dutch Chocolate Achieve by Zrii. Oh yeah, I can't afford to continue with the Zrii (yet again) after this bag. So I'm going to have to just snatch my habits in and keep photo documenting for accountability. To be honest the photos are twice as effective as any food journal has ever been. As a matter of fact, as soon as I upgrade my phone I think I will connect to InstaGram to keep things going from Zen_Tasting beyond the 180 in 180 project.
Day 146 Breakfast and Dinner:
|The cup holds 30 ounces of water|
Dutch Chocolate Achieve by Zrii
|Steamed Brown Rice, Sauteed Kale, Simmered Red Beans, with Tomatoes Jalapeno and Onion|
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Today has been slightly emotional for me, in other words my Zen is off center. I know that it's mostly due to the fact that I'm missing certain people in my life and old surroundings. BUT new can be could, in this case it was necessary, and it does not have to be permanent. Also I found myself thinking more about the physical changes that have, more like have not, occurred during the last 145 days. Yes there have been some changes but not nearly as many as I am aiming for, so I started to get a little down for a nano second. Then I remembered that this journey was about so much more than just my body. This journey was about my entire life and now that my life is turning around everything else is following. And to be honest much more quickly now than ever before. I have so much more to look forward to in my life than I thought would actually be possible. Literally one event after the other and I'm fighting tooth and nail to be my best for each and every one.
My meals today involved the Dutch Chocolate Achieve for both breakfast and dinner as usual. Lunch on the other hand was a bit heavy... *Note to self - stop eating my mother's leftovers for lunch if I want things to move along more quickly.*
Lunch - I felt like I hadn't eaten in days this afternoon, double cardio day is not my friend and I practically counteracted it this afternoon:
|Sauteed cabbage, Mac n cheese, Grilled Tilapia, and Cornbread|
Peace & Namste Ya'll
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Today has been odd, not bad not good just a bit odd. I literally woke up with a smile on my face this morning with no understanding as to why. But I chose not to question it and simply kept smiling. I briefly text chatted with one of my favorite people and even though we didn't say much to each other today it was still enough. I asked a lot of questions about a potential profession and I've spent most of the day processing what I've learned. I wanted to die during my workout but after it was finished I lived. I felt famished today and ate a little more than intended, but I have no guilt or shame in it because it was what I needed today and it could have been so much more shameful.
|Dutch Chocolate Achieve by Zrii|
|Leftovers from my share of dinner last night that I did not consume|
Brown rice w/ gravy, green beans, corn, and baked chicken
|Accell metabolism drink mix for Mid-day snack|
Dutch Chocolate Achieve by Zrii for evening meal
|Cabbage, fried Okra, Tomato, and Onion|
Monday, September 16, 2013
Today I felt lighter and better able to move. I felt focused and determined. I felt like everything I've been doing these last few weeks is starting to make a difference in me. I don't think I look any different, but I definitely feel different. My life is lighter, my heart is lighter, my mind is lighter, and I know that my body will follow suit. I'm practicing breathing and simply taking in my surroundings so I don't miss any Blessings meant for me. I know I'm not finished spinning around in my full 180 degrees yet, but when I am my new view is going to be so amazing.
Breakfast today was just as it has been the last few days:
|Dutch Chocolate Achieve and 32 ounces of water|
And yes I had 4 of these bottles of water today
Lunch was a bit more...sad really. LOL I planned to make myself a salad, BUT the refrigerator thought today was a good say to freeze virtually every vegetable in the crisper bins. *insert sad face* Lettuce, cucumber, carrots, red bell peppers all frozen. So this is what I had for lunch
|A grapefruit and leftover bbq steak|
I managed to salvage a handful of baby carrots and half an avocado as well...So not all was lost
Even though my lunch was a bit random and scavenger-like I managed to get a full belly that coasted me through to my dinner shake.
|I didn't even have the Accell for a mid-evening boost.|
After all of my good vibes, good workouts, and good-ish eating I think I will sleep like a log tonight. As a matter of fact I'm calling it a night right now...before I get hungry and ruin all of my good. Here's to a tomorrow full of good and light being shone on life.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Somehow I managed to misplace my camera last night after dinner and didn't find it again until about an hour ago. So I have pictures from yesterday, but not from today, and let's just say I need to keep this camera on me at all times. Having to snap a shot of what I'm about to put in my mouth is some serious accountability that I seriously need.
Breakfast started out exactly as planned:
|My Dutch Chocolate Achieve and 32 ounces of filtered water|
and of course the obligatory movie theater popcorn (no butter) and a handful of Reese's Pieces tossed into my popcorn (don't judge me).
|My snack: 1/4 cup prepared tuna salad with celery and onion. Instead of crackers I used red peppers to scoop|
|Crab legs, boiled corn and potatoes|
No all that was not just for me there were 3 of us sharing LOL
Yesterday was not as controlled as it needed to be, but it was not "Out of control"...Today on the other had. *lowers head in slight shame*
Friday, September 13, 2013
Let me start off by saying today did not go as planned. BUT it did not go poorly either. I had a program to attend at my daughter's school this morning but there was only an arrival time on the flyer. No end time or agenda was given to parents. So, I ASSumed that it would be quick, an hour tops, and I could come straight home for my breakfast. Negative! I was at that school nearly 3 hours being told pretty much the same thing over and over again for nearly two-thirds of that time. After hour 2 I gave in and ate one of the bagels they had set up for parents to partake in. After my run and workout with Jillian Michael's early this morning I couldn't hold out any longer for my Achieve. *Le sigh* Oh well, I managed to not veer too far off track even though I had a rocky start. I don't have a picture of my breakfast, mostly because it was not on the menu today, but it was a small sesame seed bagel with plain light cream cheese.
Lunch was another leftover collaboration
|Steamed Broccoli with marinara sauce, rice, and a baked chicken leg|
I made my kiddo an after-school snack and of course I had to dip my hand into it a couple of times. Well, because it's the best snack ever...in my opinion.
|Air-popped Popcorn!!! Mmmm, yes there was a little REAL butter|
|Dutch Chocolate Achieve shake|
Oh! By the way, that bottle holds about 32 ounces of water. I have had 4 full bottles today
So I had my shake around 5:30 this evening and around 7:15 after all of the grilled hot dog and chili smells subsided I found myself having a little rummbly in my tummbly. (in my best Winnie the Pooh voice) So I played it smart.
|Sweet Watermelon and yes I sprinkled a bit of salt on it. I can't help it, it's the country girl in me.|
But all in all not a bad day. I think tomorrow will have a more liberal dinner with a structured breakfast and lunch. After all, who watches a boxing match without chicken and beer... I'm just saying.
If you haven't figured it out, my Zrii Achieve has arrived and I am excited! So yes the product is no longer soy and dairy free, but it is GMO and cruelty free. Which means a lot to me, I have never been a committed vegan so this change is really only a problem because dairy does not always agree with me. But I sleep alone right now so all of the potential excess wind won't be a problem LOL. My first day was fine until around 6:00pm. It's not that I was excruciatingly hungry or anything, the shakes are actually rather filling, it's because I was so tired but had to stay awake to finish out my day with the kiddo. I fought the urge to munch to stay awake fairly well, but boy were those vending machines at the gymnastics club begging for my money. My meals were not glamorous, but they were nutritious and kept my belly from rumbling. I didn't waste time counting calories, to be honest I don't want to have to do that ever again. I want to be able to hear my body say was it's finished and when it needs more, then give appropriately. This is the rest of my life and I want to live it free of everything that has ever held me back up until now: people who don't love me, doubt, loneliness, hiding from myself, not following my own truth. All of those toxic elements got me nothing but pain and an uncomfortable body. This journey has really opened me up to seeing that and committing to correcting it all. I am so grateful for this venture and everything that has come from it, I truly am blessed.
Okay, my meals for the day:
Breakfast was after my double workout (the reason I was so tired) one serving of Zrii Dutch Chocolate
|The taste is not bad, best when it's cold. But then again chocolate makes everything better.|
|Red Beans and Rice, Steamed Kale with spicy Sweet Potatoes, Avocado with Salsa and Onion|
I don't have recipes because most of the time I'm just throwing things together. Maybe my next journey will involve writing out recipes to my random creations.
|I ended up drinking this one at room temperature, it wasn't bad, it just wasn't my preferred way. Next time I'll load my cup with ice before I leave the house.|
Thank you....if there is anyone out there. Thank you for being patient with me as I grow in this venture. I will return later today to tell you all about Day 140.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
I'm getting excited, I received notice on Thursday that my order has shipped. So literally any day now I will be grinding even harder than I am right now. I decided that I will go back to my daily posts when my order arrives that way I will have a much harder time falling off track. Although, to be honest this week has not been a bad week for me. I've been rather focused and careful; I can actually notice a change in my clothes and I'm feeling proud of myself. And not that pride that comes from deprivation where I want to "reward" myself because of it. But the pride where I'm feeling more charged up and ready for the next level. I have a lot to look forward to over the next few months and damn it I fully intend to feel my best when each event arrives.
It's time to break out the yoga dvds again. Right now classes just aren't an option for me, even though I prefer having an instructor to physically correct me. But I miss my mat and my body is screaming at me for being away from it for so long. My mat is where my heart lives and I realize this even more so now than ever before.
I am so grateful for this journey that I started myself on this year. Not for a single second did I doubt that this year would change my life. I didn't know exactly to what extent...but The Creator is great and gives me everything I need to get to where I'm supposed to be. And I say Thank You with everything I have in me. Thank You. Where do your gratitudes lie right now at this point in your life?
Peace and Namaste Ya'll
Sunday, September 1, 2013
So this past week has been very interesting for me; I'm still not in control of meals (which is odd but not altogether bad) so there are no pictures of meals yet again. BUT I seem to have infiltrated the way the grocery shopping is done around here. Now significantly more fresh produce is coming in through the door and I couldn't be happier. I am going to be meal replacing for the 30 days (once my order arrives) because I feel like my workouts need an amplifier. Don't get me wrong, I'm seeing slow and steady results like recommended, but I'm also getting really antsy and if I can't break through into a new pant size soon I'm going to end up discouraged and I've worked too hard these last 128 days to quit now. So for the sake of accountability I will be posting each days food and liquid consumption starting tomorrow.
By the way, I just took a huge sigh after typing that, mostly because this means I'm going to have to honest with myself about how much effort I put into ALL aspects of my life. But I'm beyond ready, especially now that I have so much support around me and so many adventures waiting on me. So much to actually look forward to in my life and people who actually want to share that with me is amazing motivation. I'm ready for ya'll to watch me work! And it only took two thirds of my journey Haha...better late than never right?
So I guess I'll be back to daily rather than weekly. See you tomorrow world.
Peace and Namaste Ya'll
Sunday, August 25, 2013
I'm feeling great and starting to look good again, so I figured now was as good a time as any to tighten up on my diet again. It's not that I haven't been making progress, because I've actually done well considering how quickly my life has started to spin around. I have quite a bit of traveling coming my way over the next 6 months and I want to my outward appearance to match the way I feel on the inside. SEXY. I know nothing will happen overnight, but since I've gotten a good jump start on things these last few months adding a catalyst may be exactly what I need for drastic physical changes to come about and meet my drastic personal changes.
I was doing well until I was suddenly no longer in control of my grocery lists. But I've found a system and I think I can get what I need to be successful. Although this will take some communication of my needs I at least have people in my corner who want me to be happy. People who are willing to give me whatever they can to help me make my life great. I am so grateful for my turned around life. I asked for this journey and I am embracing it with both arms. I only have 59 days left let's see how much more I can get out of it.
Peace and Namaste Ya'll
Saturday, August 17, 2013
So I know I've left you high and dry for the last 47 days... and for that I apologize. Please know I have been continuing with my 180 degree turn around. But apparently I had a LOT further to turn around in my life so that I could meet my 180 degree change. All those days that I spent so deep in my feelings were a mere symptom of the excessive amount of toxic clutter in my life that needed to be cleared. It's amazing how sometimes we try so hard to keep something that we THINK we want only to realize that the energy we spent clinging to something that never served us with purpose, positivity, or love was wasted and we can only hope to be wiser for it going forward in our lives.
So, I have released as much toxicity at one time from my life as I possibly could during this journey. Jobs, relationships, ideas, pre-conceived notions, plans, expectations (both of me and from me) are all relinquished. I felt immediately lighter, even healthier and happier, once I accepted that everything I had convinced myself I needed/wanted/loved was really just me forcing a life woven from fabrications and expectations. Once I told myself that it was okay to stop pretending to be who I am and really BE who I am, I started to
Yes, these shifts in my life were scary at first. But not for very long at all, fortunately I have an amazing support system that I can rely on to catch me when I need to sit in limbo professionally for a short period of time. Right now, they are my Free Space in life and I'm setting my marker there while I get my plan together. Of course I do need to devise a plan for my life, but now I can actually follow my heart. Unfortunately, I've been suppressing my heart's passions for so many years that I'm needing a little more time to reconnect with what she's saying again. But with so few distractions in my life now I know it won't be long before we're speaking the same language again. I'm back and I'm reporting on the rest of my journey for ya'll to follow.
Have any of you had a big unexpected swing in your journey and now you realize how far 180 degrees from your current life truly is? If so, share with the rest of the class. :-) LOL
Peace and Namaste Ya'll
P.S. I have been keeping up with my workouts. They keep my sane, but I'm ready to switch this program up. 3 more weeks until it's over and I can mix it up.
Monday, June 24, 2013
It's been a...let's say highly eventful week, but in understanding how complaining can damage all of the other good in ones life. I'm just so glad to be on a path to change. I haven't had any interesting or ingenious meals lately, so no pictures. Sorry. But I am still on a role with my workouts and feeling more and more proud of myself with each passing week. It's amazing how, even if it's something you don't want to do, doing what is best can make your world so much better. Feeling a sense of pride in accomplishing something good in your life can coast you for years until the next level needs to be reached. Never be afraid to do the work necessary to be your best. That last sentence has been ringing in my ears for all week long. It makes me think of my career (or lack there of) and my husband's career. The Creator works in amazing ways, and always on His own timeline. When we think things should have happened years ago, He knows that we weren't ready at that time for whatever reason. I've been spending all this time wondering what to do with my life, looking to take the easiest route possible. But that's not what He had in store for me. He knew that the head of our home needed to lead our family's advancement or else none of what I needed to accomplish would work. As soon as my husband entered graduate school old ideas of me going to grad school began to return. Once he completed his first year what I wanted to do was like an epiphany. But it wasn't until my husband got a new job that I really accepted the possibilities of my being able to reach for these revitalized goals. An entirely new life plan formed for me once his new job began and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. All because I needed to be the support first, in order to make room for,me to be supported. For the first time ever I'm not afraid to do the stretches of time away from my family that will be required when it's my turn to go to grad school. I am so grateful that God thought enough of me to provide a life partner who is so driven towards success that his drive spills out on to me. Keeping me from hiding from the world for fear of failure and rejection and really encouraging me to push myself toward excellence. I wanted to "find myself" by the time I was 30; but He said His timeline is what we follow, not mine. So I'm going to be obedient and allow His will to unfold as I thank my husband for dealing with all my crazy flakey ideas over the years. I'm sure my husband will never understand how much I need him to help make my dreams come true, but I'm glad he will be here to make sure they do. Peace & Namaste Ya'll
Thursday, June 20, 2013
So I know that in my last post I said I was going to come out of my feelings for awhile. But I want to step back into them today, if nothing more than to be a cautionary word for you.
I am learning that sometimes being quiet about the undesirable parts of your life can be a much better route to take. I don't necessarily mean just shut up and take it. I mean keep your mouth closed and change it. You see, while whining and complaining about 2 aspects of life I allowed something that would be relatively easy to change to spill over into all the beautiful and good in my life. Thus creating an even bigger mess to try and clean up...that is, if I can clean it up in time.
The Creator doesn't take kindly to looking his gift horse in the mouth. He will let it bite you. What I mean by that is, when you continuously vocalize only what's wrong He hears "make it ALL brand new". So the world shakes, turns upside down, empties its pockets, and walks away for you to pick up the mess. I only hope that I can repent enough to let it be known that I realize I was being a lazy, spoiled baby, and that I am taking an active role in my life again. No more words with out actions.
The moral of the story kids is: Recognize what you want to be different in your life. Ask for it once, then be patient while you Work towards it. Had I just been patient I could have avoided so much turmoil. Well there's your Zen for the day... Work
Peace & Namaste Ya'll
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
So today I'm shifting gears, lately I've been too deep in my feelings in an attempt to dig out some Zen. You know what, sometimes you just have to leave well enough alone and build on to what you have from where you are. Here in Texas we don't have basements because it's too much trouble to go blasting through the limestone to try and create an unnecessary extra foundation. Well, that's the approach I'm taking to my life right now, no need to go trying to tear up what's set in stone in an attempt to redo what's already done. I am who I am because of the way I have lived; good, bad, ugly, indifferent, all me and all necessary at some point in my life. With that I'm going to bring back some more of the Tasting part of this blog (and my life) for you right now.
Tonight I was in a cooking mood. Which is always a great thing, because a cooking mood means that I am feeling creative, available, relaxed, and at ease with my life at that moment. Tonight's dinner is one that I've been dreaming of make for nearly a week now. And I was absolutely in the right frame of mind to make it, unfortunately we were so ready to eat that I forgot to take the picture before digging in. Oh but man, was it good!
|Steamed Broccoli and Cajun Tilapia Topped with Shrimp Creole over Steamed Rice|
This dish was filling enough to not feel deprived, but light enough to survive the increasing Summer temperatures around here. Seafood is the name of the game this Summer, keeping it light to get it tight! :-)
Peace & Namaste Ya'll
Monday, June 17, 2013
Have any of you ever had to actively stop yourself from sabotaging your current situation? Well today I struggled with this on a whole new level. Today it wasn't my food choices or even my workout routine. Both were solid and positive this hot humid Monday. Today I had to force myself from sabotaging the good place that one of my most valued relationships is currently in. You see, I make every effort to be open and forth coming in general, but with those I hold nearest and dear to me I do my best to be as transparent as possible. This is my policy because I want to be loved for who I am and that cannot be done if I am hiding behind half truths, omissions, or out right lies. Also, I choose this policy in my life because the people I love and keep nearest to me I respect too much to be false with them.
Unfortunately, I have been certain for years that a large lie has been fabricated and adhered to and today I was reminded of it yet again. I had to decide if forcing the truth out once and for all was worth the turmoil that is sure to follow. I still haven't decided. I really wish that I didn't have to be placed in the position of dragging out the whole truth and that it would just be offered up in good faith that I am a reasonable person. I am not perfect and I do get angry/sad/confused/hurt, but I also make the effort to be reasonable about my reactions to my emotions, especially when my decisions will inevitably cause drastic changes in the way my life is lived.
I can't for the life of me imagine the amount of false pride and ego required to continue to look a person in the eye and consistently lie...even if the lie is slightly different every time. What sort of love could possibly find its way through opaque facades? Certainly not unconditional or everlasting love. This is how mistrust, insecurity, and fear anchor themselves into your life. Are relationships that introduce such questionings into your life worth keeping? Well, I guess that all depends on if they can be out weighed by more positive things or if the negative will continue to rear its ugly head into your life. Clean house or Clean address books, either way the air needs to be cleared in order to breath deeply.
Peace & Namaste Ya'll
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Saturday, June 15, 2013
So today I took the time to go see my fraternity brother and his new family. The teeny tiny baby made me question what I am willing to do/give up to have the type of life I always dreamed of (4 kids, country home, etc.) I decided that I'm okay with living the life that I have now as long as I can continue to make it less and less stressful. My eventual goal is to wake up with a passion and truthfully say I love what I do more often than not.
As I sit here alone, I find myself contemplating the next thing to commit to that will improve my life. I'm not certain what it is, but I'm leaning towards renewing my cleanse and going for a 50 day clean eating program. but in order for this one to stick I can't leave things as vague as I did last time. I need time frames as well as rules for food. Maybe tomorrow with less white wine in my system will allow for more clarity. Until then:
Peace & Namaste Ya'll
Friday, June 14, 2013
Have you ever felt the need to apologize for the way you live?..No, just me? Well that's okay, I own my dysfunction. I have always had a problem with feeling the need to apologize for simply taking up space sometimes. As if my existence were a burden upon those I encounter rather than a blessing. I'm not really sure where this began, or maybe I am and I'm choosing not to pour all of that out here on the world wide web. Either way, what I do know is that if I'm okay with me then most other people will be okay with me as well. Of course you can't please everyone, but when you're living a decent life you can get a smile out of most for it, right?
I bring this up because the last few years I've been apologizing for my size, trying not to be an embarrassment to my husband out in public. You know, maybe if no one ever really sees me in person then they'll only remember me as I was. If I'm not on my husband's arm tainting his image then he won't have to hang his head down and walk 3 steps ahead of me. I know this sounds ridiculous, but unless you've been inside the mind of someone who is hurting and doesn't know how to stop it, then you'll never understand. But since choosing to embark on this journey I've come to terms with the fact that I have been projecting my own feelings about myself on to those around me. I didn't want the old self image that I clinge to become tainted by allowing others to see me as I am now. In a world where men would rather be single eternally than marry the fat version of the woman of their dreams, one just doesn't feel very secure in their position among the rest of society. I get that it's important to take care of ourselves, that's why this journey is in place right now. But finally, I also get that I don't have to wait to live my life until I've lost *blah blah* pounds.
You deserve to enjoy your life regardless of how perfect or imperfect you are or hope to be. You deserve to be seen, heard, loved, cuddled, invited to life events, treated to new clothes, allowed to be exactly who you are; all regardless of what you look like, what you studied (or didn't study), what you earn, what you're interested in, or what you weigh. With that I would like to say, I don't even know you and I Love You, all because I am learning to love myself.
Peace & Namaste Ya'll
Thursday, June 13, 2013
You know the dark forces of the world really try to get you when you're feeling optimistic about life and smiling through the day. The dark goal is to bring you down and keep you there so that you forget what you believe in and what you live for. Yesterday I expressed me renewed hope and light here as I journey through these 180 days. Well today the ugly flew all around me and I just wanted to come home have a home brew and go to bed. But instead I came home, worked out, sat with my hubby and shared some new ideas with him. I laughed at the none sense of the day so that the anger couldn't fester. My hopeful mood does not change the fact that I want/need something different in my life in terms of my career. It just means that I'm managing the anxiety around the subject better. I have a friend who said something that really stuck with me. She said: "Everyone's life is hard and Everyone's life is beautiful." It's so true, the beauty in my life right now out weighs the hard more than it has in maybe 11 years and I am so grateful. I know that I get impatient and anxious, but it's just because I can feel the advancement for our life right on the tips of my fingers and I so desperately want to be able to grasp it fully and bring it all to life at one time. But I know that would disrupt the plan that has been so carefully laid by The Creator for us to be able to optimize our life and living.
If I can just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming. Then I know we'll land on every shore that we're supposed to land on. until then I have to take these less than stellar days in stride and try not to eat my feelings. Bad habits die hard.
Peace & Namaste Ya'll
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
So my body is crazy super tired right now, but I feel as though my mind is as uplifted as it has been in months. That tells me somethings about myself:
1) The time that I am getting to myself lately I really needed
2) I am so physically out of shape that I had fallen emotionally/mentally out of shape as well
3) I need to find a routine that I can maintain during the school year while I tote my kid about
4) My body is designed to move and I do it no serve by refusing to move.
5) I can think more clearly when I've moved around a bit at some point in the day
I am being to feel like a missing element in my worship and praise practice was treating the only thing that my Creator gave me to have forever (my body) with love and respect. I have always known what I should do to honor myself while on this Earth. But I don't believe that I ever honestly felt as though I deserved to be treated so kindly and with so much love and respect. I have been told that my appearance is wrong and I should be ashamed, so in my shame I abused myself into a never ending battles of wills. Then found myself wondering why I kept losing. Well, how many people get hit right in the mouth every time they attempt to speak and still manage to successfully communicate verbally? Not many right? Well, that's what it's like to attempt to do something for yourself that requires love and respect but instead use hate and shame.
So yes, tonight my body is tired, but for once my soul is not weary. So I will just go to bed a little earlier, stretch a little longer, and get ready for tomorrow's workout and workday. What do you need to help bring clarity to your mind and light to your spirit?
Peace and Namaste Ya'll
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
This week Miss Jillian Michaels and I have been having knock down drag out fights...and I think I'm winning. hehe. I've been passing out as soon as soon as my head hits the pillow at night, but I've been getting it done. And I'm feeling proud of myself again. Something I haven't felt in a long time. I'm feeling uplifted again in my life and capable of taking control of my life again. I hope to be able to say that with each passing week I spin just a little more to reach 180 degrees.
As another element in doing what I love to live my life rather than allow it to pass me by, I have decided to take a cooking class as often as possible in order to hone my skills and feed my creative needs. So far I have taken a Cold Beer and Small Plates class as well as a Pasta Workshop. These classes were belated birthday gifts from my dad and I am so grateful for this jump start into my creative advancement. I would like to show you all my creations:
|The local grocery store where I took my classes.|
|This is a local beer from right here in Austin, TX (we make great beer)|
|The beer is called "El Cedro" a Hoppy Cedar-Aged Ale made by Jester King|
|My second class, turned out to be more about sauces than the pasta specifically.|
|Though we did get to mix our own pasta dough|
|My smooth as a baby's bum dough|
|The kitchen/stage where all the magic happened|
|Lasagna with Bolognese and Bechamel Sauce|
This was not my favorite version of this dish, I found it to be a bit bland and lacking the lovely cheesy elements that I love in lasagna. Give me Ricotta and Mozzarella any day.
|Class participants having their turn up at the stove|
This last week and a half brought new perspective, renewed drive, hope, and desire. I know that this challenge is one of the best things I have done for myself in years. What's been the best thing you have done for you lately? Till next time..
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
I managed to talk myself into another workout today and you know what? I don't regret it. It may hurt or be uncomfortable while I'm doing it. And the couch looks so soft and cushy while I'm standing on my feet sweating. But, the discomfort will end and the couch will still be there all soft and cushy waiting for me once I'm finished. While digging through Pinterest I came across this pin: