Saturday, April 17, 2010

A Different Sort of Zen

What do you do when things don't quite turn out the way you imagined them? If you fought so hard for something that by the time you received it you weren't sure if you really even wanted it anymore. Or whether you had been fighting the right fight this whole time. The idea of your triumph is still pleasing, but the battle sucked so much from you that you didn't really have anything left to give for enjoying the fruits of your labor. But if you chose to simply leave the spoils to spoil then you would no longer the hero but suddenly and drastically the villain. You understand that gifts under another tree always sparkle brighter and that your gifts are definitely worth being grateful for so: Do you "fake it till you make it" and stick with the fight you've won? Wait it out until things start to fall apart again and take your opportunity to walk away? Do you walk away immediately and suffer becoming the bad guy in the story? If you wait until it falls apart again what if it takes a decade to do so and your feelings have changed again? Do you fight once more or do you stick to the plan of walking away? How do we ever know if what we're doing is the right thing? Even through all the uncertainty there's still a sense of calm. For the first time, you don't care. Or at least you care way less than anyone else involved, which is still a first. So you've begun to walk around in a euphoric zen-like state where you are fully okay with whatever outcome arises. If it all falls apart, no problem. If it all stays together, how nice. But no more sleepless nights full of nightmares and teeth grinding. All is peace and peace is beautiful. Now that you are not trying to control the outcome of your situations anymore you can understand those who are seemingly happy all the time. You have grasped the true concept of Zen, now all that you taste in this state will be that much more fulfilling. Exhale slowly and enjoy the ride until it stops.   

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


I am so amazingly bored with my life right now. Not only am I bored, but I am lonely too. Grrrrrr I've been studying for obtaining my teaching certification, but the studying isn't holding my attention long enough to keep me occupied once it gets close to dinner time. My kid is great, but I need an adult to talk to and laugh with. I'm starting to feel like I'm on my own again and that's not good, because I have a brand new outlook on life. I'm not clinging to anything or anyone anymore. I'm going to live a good life, do what I know is right and allow things to happen organically. No more fighting, I'm tired. No more crying, I'm tired. No more questioning, suspecting, assuming or hoping, I'm tired. If I can't have peace of mind in my own home then why live there right? So I'm piecing back together the parts of me that had been shattered and scattered. And everyday more and more of them fall back into their rightful place. So me being Lonely and Bored is becoming dangerous because now I will be more inclined to go out looking to be entertained. Sometimes when you go looking for one thing you find a whole bundle of others. *giggle* But I only have 7 weeks remaining before I relocate back to Austin. Hmmm, not completely sure if I want to go, but why not right? It's not like things are moving steadily along here. Being a stay at home mom is cool when you are not paralyzed by having literally absolutely no money at your disposal, no adult interaction of a positive nature, and no hobbies other than a couple hours to workout in the mornings. I'm totally batty in my head now. ughhh Maybe I'll get a sewing machine for my birthday or something and  learn how to make things LOL who knows

Sunday, April 4, 2010

New Profession

Okay all,
So I have decided to embark upon a path professionally that I never really imagined myself doing. I have been given a few nudges in this direction and ample support as I move towards it. What could possibly cause such cause such deep thought and coercion?  Teaching, but not just teaching, teaching High School in Texas. See here's the thing, High School is where the state begins to stop actually caring about the children. They mostly begin to lean more towards throwing standardized tests at the kids and pushing them out of the doors of the schools into the world poorly prepared. The lunches get worse, the teachers more callus, the administration only seeing them as test scores and dollar signs. The students feel this shift as well and begin to react to it. Their attitudes, already fluctuating from hormones, begin to build walls to protect them from people who take little interest in helping them develop as people. And in Texas this is all to evident through the types of extra-curricular offered, or not offered, through the emphasis on teaching the state standardized test instead of the subject's material, through the declining quality of school lunches, and through the vast number of teaching positions open to be filled but the inability to hire the way they both need and want to hire. So if I truly believe that all I written is true then why have I decided to take this venture. Well there are a number of reasons:
1. I am without a job, in need of a job, and can meet the qualifications of this job.
2. I have always tried to share information that I held with others in non-traditional forms of teaching
3. I have a child who is now in school and I would love to work around her school schedule
4. I believe that students can be taught to love learning a subject, but only by a teacher who loves it
5. I believe that I have enough knowledge and passion for science to pass it on to teenagers
6. I also feel that this maybe a good place to sit professionally while I try to "Find" myself

I only hope that I will be able to find the time to continue to progress in my Yoga Practice while I teach. Good thing I live in the Hippie Town of Texas, the kids will be used to an occasional Zen instructor. Well I have a few online courses to complete and my certification exam to register for and pass, wish me luck. I ask The Most High that I am offered a position in a school of my choice this coming Fall. Let's see how this pans out (fingers crossed and meditating breath flowing)