Friday, June 14, 2013

180 in 180 Day 47

Hey Ya'll,
Have you ever felt the need to apologize for the way you live?..No, just me? Well that's okay, I own my dysfunction. I have always had a problem with feeling the need to apologize for simply taking up space sometimes. As if my existence were a burden upon those I encounter rather than a blessing. I'm not really sure where this began, or maybe I am and I'm choosing not to pour all of that out here on the world wide web. Either way, what I do know is that if I'm okay with me then most other people will be okay with me as well. Of course you can't please everyone, but when you're living a decent life you can get a smile out of most for it, right?

I bring this up because the last few years I've been apologizing for my size, trying not to be an embarrassment to my husband out in public. You know, maybe if no one ever really sees me in person then they'll only remember me as I was. If I'm not on my husband's arm tainting his image then he won't have to hang his head down and walk 3 steps ahead of me. I know this sounds ridiculous, but unless you've been inside the mind of someone who is hurting and doesn't know how to stop it, then you'll never understand. But  since choosing to embark on this journey I've come to terms with the fact that I have been projecting my own feelings about myself on to those around me. I didn't want the old self image that I clinge to become tainted by allowing others to see me as I am now. In a world where men would rather be single eternally than marry the fat version of the woman of their dreams, one just doesn't feel very secure in their position among the rest of society. I get that it's important to take care of ourselves, that's why this journey is in place right now. But finally, I also get that I don't have to wait to live my life until I've lost *blah blah* pounds.
You deserve to enjoy your life regardless of how perfect or imperfect you are or hope to be. You deserve to be seen, heard, loved, cuddled, invited to life events, treated to new clothes, allowed to be exactly who you are; all regardless of what you look like, what you studied (or didn't study), what you earn, what you're interested in, or what you weigh. With that I would like to say, I don't even know you and I Love You, all because I am learning to love myself.
Peace & Namaste Ya'll
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