Saturday, July 7, 2012

Revelations

Hey Ya'll
So I realized something today.... I have never allowed myself to be the Mother I have always wanted to be. I have sent the majority of my poor child's life worked so many hours waiting for the break in the tide that revealed the day where I didn't have to work so hard for our family to make ends meat. I also spent way more years than I would like to admit to closely focused on saving my husband's place in our home. Long story short things were no always beautiful and forever promised. Which I guess like a good woman/wife/etc I did my job because we survived. But I wonder if our child has suffered from any of this. I mean we've baked cookies and taken walks/bike rides and I've seen her performances and been to classroom parties. But I feel as though it's not enough. Mostly because it's not how I always wanted it to be. I want to do arts and craft projects and make her lunch everyday for her like she loves and her favorites breakfasts every morning. I don't want to be too tired to play board games or card games when she's bored. I want to leave amazing memories for her that will last her entire life. Because she is my only child she will have to deal with the death of her parents all alone. Granted I'm sure she will have a family all her own when that point in our lives comes, but it's not the same as having a sibling there who deep in their souls feel the same thing you do. I know, I know, technically I'm an only child as well (or maybe technically I'm not an only child) I have a sister but I was raised as an only child, but I have a blood related cousin who may as well have been my brother growing up who loves my mother just as much as he loves his own mother and visa versa.
So I have made the conscious decision to create the most amazing life for my child from here on out. She will have pictures and memories and keepsakes that will get her through the hardest parts of life when they appear. When she returns home from her summer vacations and school begins my A-game is on and her life will become exactly what I imagined it to be when I chose to bring her into this world. I'm going to teach her to sew (after I teach myself of course), how to cook/bake, how to turn something that appears to be no longer useful into something beautiful or functional, how to appreciate her own culture as well as the cultures of others, How to crave every drop of promise the world has to offer, how to speak other languages (Spanish and Tagalog are the goals, again after I teach myself) and most of all How to enjoy everyday the Most High opens her eyes. Finding myself just living day to day and often times wishing the day away is no longer enough for me. I haven't felt as though I am truly living for the longest time and no one can change that except me. I'm so grateful that I have been given the chance to even come to these realizations and make the changes that will turn my life around rather than it all coming to an end while I was still "waiting for the tide to break". I need to be these things in order to feel like a success, I don't need to work 40+ hours a week in a job that doesn't even feed my soul. Don't get me wrong I'm not quitting my job on Monday or anything but I'm not making it a priority in my life either, at least not until it's a job that is worth adding to the top 10 priorities.
Some things will be for my husband, some things will be for our daughter, but EVERYTHING I choose to do will also be for Me. Learning about food, birth, breastfeeding, traveling, crafting, yoga, cooking, baking, sleeping, sex, shopping, and everything in between that is for them will be for Me. Never in a selfish way but in a self-sustaining way. I am finally beginning to get it; taking care of myself is more than diet and exercise, it's making sure I get everything I need to love my life. Hope each of you finds exactly what you need as well.
Peace and Namaste Ya'll
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