Friday, April 8, 2011

Working It Out With Words

I know that I'm still very sporadic with my postings. To be honest it's mostly because for some reason if I don't get a post completed before everyone is home then it simple isn't allowed to happen, go figure. I think I need to write more though. I have this urge to speak, I feel as though there's something deep inside of me that has been struggling to be expressed for so long. If anyone is actually reading this then you may very well remember that I took a job with a company that I have been attempting to become part of for years. I am not unhappy with the job, per say, I'm more so dissatisfied with the fact that I STILL can't seem to imagine how exactly I want to earn my living. Because I have come to terms with the fact that it is not in the cards for me to be a homemaker and care for the people I love as my job. I still don't truly feel connected to any particular skill enough to devise a dream and pursue it.
My husband well he's thought out what he enjoys, what he's good at, and what makes money. His plans are impressive, achievable, and I fully believe that he will succeed beyond his current expectations. Mostly because I plan to support him however necessary so that he does. But to be honest I'm slightly envious that he has definitive goals and a plan to achieve them. 
What I do know about myself is that I am not supposed to be working a conventional job. If I could just move past the dissatisfaction I constantly seem to be experiencing in my life then I know I'll see what my work is meant to be. I feel settled when I'm learning. I do not enjoy confrontation or aggressive interactions. Don't get me wrong, as an adult I do not shy away from standing up for myself or what I believe in, but I prefer to be around like minded people with gentle approaches to personal interactions. I do not seek a fiery encounter the way many people (especially women of my background) do. I want to feel free in my work, I no longer want to feel as though my family is a hindrance to my work or my work a hindrance to my family. I want the drama of living and earning a living to be lessened, so much so that I actually feel contempt along with success.But HOW?
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