Ughhhh

In desperate need of a  really good Flow class. My emotions, body, and thoughts are all out of wack. Dear God, please get me into to see someone really soon so that I can be on my way to healing and practicing again. Thank You, Amen.

Confusion

So my grandmother used to say when you're confused about a moment in life, stand still.
Basically this is because it's hard to navigate yourself down the proper path until the dust settles and you can see. Thing is the dust never seems to settle in my life, and when I feel like it's beginning to someone walks through a kicks it all up again. I never thought that just living a good clean life was supposed to be so difficult and traumatic.....UGH  Oh well guess I'm standing still for awhile longer.

Ummm, I miss my yoga class and instructor!!!! My wrist still hasn't begun to feel any better and my tailbone has gotten so irritated I'm sleeping on the flipping sofa. Le Sigh..... LOL Maybe I can manage a few warrior poses and a Happy Baby or something (tee hee) I've got to get make to a peaceful place AND FAST.....

Zen-Tasting Interrupted

So my search for physical zen has been interrupted due to injuries. I can't really continue my habit for yoga right now because I managed to bust up both my wrist and my tailbone in one fell swoop (or should I say fall). I went skating with my family a week and a half ago and fell straight down on my bum trying to catch myself with my right hand down onto a lovely polished cement floor. Ohhh the constant aching. I still haven't gone to see the Dr. but hopefully this medical insurance will kick in VERY soon so that I can without having to come out of pocket on hundreds of dollars that I don't have. *sigh* You never really notice how important individual parts of your body are until they are unable to add to the union that you've grown accustom to using. I feel debilitated and lost. My body is screaming for a downward dog, but I can't make it happen not a solid one anyway, because my poor wrist (on my dominant hand mind you) won't support it. Oh sweet baby Jesus I just want to be healed so that I can move freely again. By the way, the constant pain aching through my body makes me so exhausted. By the evening all I can do is lay down and fall asleep. My body is so not happy with me right now, ugh......... Oh and so because I can barely move all I want to do right now is EAT, but I can't for multiple reason, at least not like how I want to eat. I wonder how hard it really is to come up with a way to crack the lottery codes because I really need to win right now. I'm not too greedy just one million will put me in a place where I can feel in control of my life again; body fixed, debts paid, future goals lined up, all would be good. Oh well until the dream happens I guess I'll keep ice on my wrist sitting on one "cheek" at a time and studying for my content exams. My peace will come eventually, zen will be achieved.      

M.I.A.

Okay so I've been silent for a very long time around here, mostly because I'm trying to figure my life out still. The teaching thing is still underway and I guess I'm becoming increasingly okay with the idea......I guess..... Anyway I am still completely in love with my yoga instructor K's flow class. I actually get excited about getting up early so I can be in her 8:30 am class. But as they say all good things must come to an end. I regretfully am moving back to Austin *sigh*. I want to stay in the Dallas-Metroplex area so badly, but it can't happen unless one of us gets a job here and SOON. This is one of the reasons that I am actually beginning to look forward to my new career in teaching. My chances of finding a job here are greater than they are in Austin *yesss* because there are so many more districts to apply to. What I'm really hoping for in teaching is a resounding peaceful moment of professional clarity. That working in this field will grant me the insight I need to know "what I want to be when I grow up". Until the fall I need a little part-time something to put some change in my pockets so that I can afford to pay for my exams in July. Maybe someone will be willing to pay me to taste all of their latest food creations and ideas, ahh wishful thinking......... 

Wading through the Muck

It seems we all go through upsetting funks in our lives. Many of us find ourselves feeling lonely, dejected, and hopeless. For those of us who believe in a higher power it's often saddening because we feel a bit abandoned. We feel as though we continue to try and live in a favorable manor, doing good in our lives and in the lives of others. But we are still left to be consumed by the demons of desolate wasteland hearts. We're supposed to feel connected to ourselves and then allow the universe to bring in all its offerings to us. Sometimes we so deeply want to feel needed in order to remember our worth that we forget we need us more than anyone ever could. We forget to nurture our minds, to grow our spirits, to strengthen our bodies, or to soften our hearts. Once we've established a new sense of focus in our lives when is it okay to accept love back into our lives? When do we get to feel the quickening heartbeats, the butterflies in the stomach, the day-dreams of forever? When is okay to desire another person's company again? When is it okay to crave that someone's body again? To smell them in your sleep and smile? To taste their lips and hum? To be carried away by passion for this person and get lost in dreams for them? When is it okay for happily ever after to actually turn out just like that.....Happily? When is it okay for others to stop disappointing our hearts? When is it okay to believe that others will stop disappointing our hearts? When does everything align itself and simply create a good existence?

A Different Sort of Zen

What do you do when things don't quite turn out the way you imagined them? If you fought so hard for something that by the time you received it you weren't sure if you really even wanted it anymore. Or whether you had been fighting the right fight this whole time. The idea of your triumph is still pleasing, but the battle sucked so much from you that you didn't really have anything left to give for enjoying the fruits of your labor. But if you chose to simply leave the spoils to spoil then you would no longer the hero but suddenly and drastically the villain. You understand that gifts under another tree always sparkle brighter and that your gifts are definitely worth being grateful for so: Do you "fake it till you make it" and stick with the fight you've won? Wait it out until things start to fall apart again and take your opportunity to walk away? Do you walk away immediately and suffer becoming the bad guy in the story? If you wait until it falls apart again what if it takes a decade to do so and your feelings have changed again? Do you fight once more or do you stick to the plan of walking away? How do we ever know if what we're doing is the right thing? Even through all the uncertainty there's still a sense of calm. For the first time, you don't care. Or at least you care way less than anyone else involved, which is still a first. So you've begun to walk around in a euphoric zen-like state where you are fully okay with whatever outcome arises. If it all falls apart, no problem. If it all stays together, how nice. But no more sleepless nights full of nightmares and teeth grinding. All is peace and peace is beautiful. Now that you are not trying to control the outcome of your situations anymore you can understand those who are seemingly happy all the time. You have grasped the true concept of Zen, now all that you taste in this state will be that much more fulfilling. Exhale slowly and enjoy the ride until it stops.   

BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so amazingly bored with my life right now. Not only am I bored, but I am lonely too. Grrrrrr I've been studying for obtaining my teaching certification, but the studying isn't holding my attention long enough to keep me occupied once it gets close to dinner time. My kid is great, but I need an adult to talk to and laugh with. I'm starting to feel like I'm on my own again and that's not good, because I have a brand new outlook on life. I'm not clinging to anything or anyone anymore. I'm going to live a good life, do what I know is right and allow things to happen organically. No more fighting, I'm tired. No more crying, I'm tired. No more questioning, suspecting, assuming or hoping, I'm tired. If I can't have peace of mind in my own home then why live there right? So I'm piecing back together the parts of me that had been shattered and scattered. And everyday more and more of them fall back into their rightful place. So me being Lonely and Bored is becoming dangerous because now I will be more inclined to go out looking to be entertained. Sometimes when you go looking for one thing you find a whole bundle of others. *giggle* But I only have 7 weeks remaining before I relocate back to Austin. Hmmm, not completely sure if I want to go, but why not right? It's not like things are moving steadily along here. Being a stay at home mom is cool when you are not paralyzed by having literally absolutely no money at your disposal, no adult interaction of a positive nature, and no hobbies other than a couple hours to workout in the mornings. I'm totally batty in my head now. ughhh Maybe I'll get a sewing machine for my birthday or something and  learn how to make things LOL who knows